EXHAUSTION

When I began this project, I went in with the idea that I’d be doing my project on the idea that I am a mosaic of the people in my life, and I still believe that that idea is a strong idea, but as a self portrait of me; not so much. I am not the people around me as much as I thought, because the people around me don’t know or don’t care to acknowledge who I am. My gender identity is incredibly important to me, and is one of the defining aspects of my life, and most people’s lives. The issue is I can’t come out as trans to most people. Even my friends only know I struggle with my gender identity, they do not know I identify as trans. And when pondering on this I found that I am not a mosaic of the people around me, I am what I’m scared to tell people about.

Recently there’s been a lot of discourse about trans rights in the USA. My community are being stripped of their humanity and it is terrifying. This was something I could not get off my mind, so I didn’t. While doing this project I felt very vulnerable. From making the graphics to the making the binaural mix to making the music, every ounce of myself went into doing this topic justice. I felt as if I HAD to push myself to make this project as good as possible. I just couldn’t get the projection mapping to work, but I made it work. I struggled with shooting the video, but I made it work, because I had to. This topic, this self portrait demanded that I do as much as possible to make this work. As this self portrait is not just for me, but it’s for my community. All the people who are going through the same struggle I am, the struggle to be yourself, unconditionally.

I’m tired. The past few years have been exhausting. Every week is a battle to just live, to just be seen as who I am, and to be seen as a human. If I go to certain places right now, I cannot be myself, and there are laws that would endanger me for being myself. It’s exhausting. I can’t come out to my family as they have deep religious roots and would potentially disown me. It’s exhausting. I get hate crime ’ed, misgendered and judged on a daily basis. It’s exhausting. And this reality is what me and many others experience. The ending sentiment of I’m 􀆟red is rooted in this. But that isn’t the real end. The real end comes from the audio. “We will never quit.”. This is the true message behind this self-portrait, hope. We’ve been beaten, battered and bruised but we will never quit, hope keeps us going, and I feel hope is one of the biggest parts of myself that I love. Change comes from hope, and I try to embody that spirit every day, and in this spirit I find myself.